“It’s not about you”. Four words that that were a catalyst in changing my life.
I was 43 years old and about 7 month into sobriety. Unemployed. Going to AA meetings. Doing the best I could and realizing more and more each day that what I feared most in the world may be true; that I was a loser. And as much as I had denied it, fought it, did my best to prove to myself and the world that I was significant, reality was enveloping me. And I couldn’t take it. I was hopeless and seemingly helpless. Suicidal. Thank God that eventually changed.
Hi my name is Randy and I’m an alcoholic. I write this proclamation only for the reason to help explain how I came to a point in my life were I had to change how I thought and acted. If not, the feelings that I was trying to repress would have eventually taken me and/or others out. I also want you to know that my coping mechanism of drugs and alcohol had stopped working years and years before I did anything about it. I want you to know that despite having the best job in my life, the best relationship in my life, and things that I never had before, I was miserable. I hated myself and the world around me. Now I can say those words but all my life I did the best I could to repress that. Hoping if just something changed that it would finally be all right. If people could just recognize me for all that I imagine myself as, then all would be good.
I had a difficult childhood that led to a difficult life. My parents had no friends and they never encouraged me to form any relationships. I still struggle somewhat with this memory. Maybe I am still too damaged to see it objectively or perhaps it’s just too personal. Not sure, but the fact is that when I wanted to invite a friend over it was not allowed. And in the first couple years of school I got in a fist fight almost every day, so that didn’t help much either. By second grade I was transferred to another school. I had hoped that this would change things but of course all it really did change was it required my mom to drive me to and from school each day.
The excuse or “opportunity” to go to another elementary school was because I had tested well enough to be labeled as a “gifted child”. Memory says that to be awarded with this prestigious honor, my test scores had to be with in the top 2% of all of California. Wow! I must be special. And to throw more gas on that fire my mom wouldn’t tell me what my I.Q. was, saying that it would only make me more egotistical. Wow! I’m so incredibly smart that it scares my parents to tell me. Yeah, that’s how I really thought.
I could go on and on about my failed attempts to fulfill my dreams that were filled with grandiosity. Just suffice it to say that I never was recognized in a manner that I felt I was deserved of. So, I tried harder and harder to make the point that I’m as special as believed I was. I was going to be the best graphic artist in the world. I was going to be a professional musician. I was going to be the most in your face wild man (many still only know me by the name “Rude Rudy” or just “Rudy”). And well, it never came about. Not at least in the way I envisioned it. And because my dad said that if I just tried hard enough I could be anything I wanted, I continued pursuing my dreams of making my mark and finding happiness until eventually I just gave up. It was just easier to change my goals than my behavior. Now I never really said “Fuck it” out loud (well at least to to my memory. probably said it in drunken black out more than once). It just slowly evolved into an attitude of why even try… I assumed a position that was flawed; that I was flawed. And frankly, it wasn’t too difficult to recognize and conclude because I was repeatedly practicing bad behavior. The excessive drinking was really just a coping mechanism. But it did distort reality a lot. It helped justify my flawed thinking. Selfishness and self-centeredness is self-abuse in a subtle way.
And that brings the story back to those four words the changed my life.
November sixth, in the year of two thousand six, I stopped drinking and began to seek sobriety earnestly. As of this writing, I have not put any mood altering chemicals into my body other than caffeine or sugar. But abstinence is but a mere beginning. It just provides the opportunity to do life differently. Blackout drinking daily sure won’t allow that. I had to stop disconnecting my head daily so I could begin to think, feel and act differently. And of course that’s a major task in the beginning. Just resisting the urge to numb the pain and not pick up is harder than most anyone will ever know; unless you are an alcoholic. Seriously, you don’t really know unless you’ve done it. That’s why a drunk working with another drunk is so effective.
And that’s what I mean by seeking sobriety earnestly; I finally was accepting some help. Still hadn’t fully conceded that I was helpless and hopeless over drinking that day but it was at least the beginning of a process of discovery that did eventually lead to that admission.
Anyway…
I am all happy about finally doing something that I could not for most my life; not get wasted every chance possible. I was proud of myself. Not too long into this, I thought that I had sold myself short by working at the current company and was going to make a small fortune in the mortgage industry. Why not? I was smarter and a harder worker than others, so it should be inevitable. Yeah.
I went to meetings and saw what I deemed as bullshit. Over time I’ve come to the simple conclusion that the reason why is because most alcoholics and addicts are full of denial. Why do I know this? Because I’m an alcoholic and I am full of its too. I recognize now that its from lifetime of rationalization and justification. And I really didn’t want to continue being that way. See for me, this sobriety thing is really not just about not using; it’s about having a better quality of life. And drugs and alcohol stopped me from doing anything to change myself for the better. I mean how was I going to go to school and study if I am wasted. How I am going to have a better marriage when I am blacking out every night. I could continue but think you get the point that I had to stop to begin. Once that happened, I realized that there was a lot more things that I needed to work out. (That’s how I came to know how I was full of shit- trying to be honest) And one of the first things needed for life to get better was to work on my selfishness.
I went to meetings and saw what I deemed as bullshit. Over time I’ve come to the simple conclusion that the reason why is because most alcoholics and addicts are full of denial. Why do I know this? Because I’m an alcoholic and I am full of its too. I recognize now that its from lifetime of rationalization and justification. And I really didn’t want to continue being that way. See for me, this sobriety thing is really not just about not using; it’s about having a better quality of life. And drugs and alcohol stopped me from doing anything to change myself for the better. I mean how was I going to go to school and study if I am wasted. How I am going to have a better marriage when I am blacking out every night. I could continue but think you get the point that I had to stop to begin. Once that happened, I realized that there was a lot more things that I needed to work out. (That’s how I came to know how I was full of shit- trying to be honest) And one of the first things needed for life to get better was to work on my selfishness.
Everything was always about me. Everything was personal. So sometimes I lied to get what I wanted, which was mostly really about projecting an image that I had my life together when it was really falling apart. And I felt that I was better than or less than everyone else. Did a lot of judging. Assuming way, way too much. And frankly because life wasn’t going along as I envisioned it, I was apathetic. Indifferent. Not caring may have been the catalyst to most of the harm I did to myself and to others. So for anything to change, I had to do the opposite of that; I had to care about myself enough to want to change. Then I had to do it. Not talk just about it. I had done a life time of just blowing air out of my mouth.
So, for some reason that’s not totally clear to me, I went back to the meetings. Guess instinctually I knew that there was evidence that these people who I looked upon as less than me had figured out how to stay sober. So I figured that if they could do it, I should have no problem. Well, it wasn’t as easy as I had concluded and I relapsed in less than 60 days. But I came back and did something that I didn’t have to do; I was honest and told on myself. For the first time, I didn’t try to bullshit people. Not saying that I never tried to ever do it again, but I could have easily just kept it to myself and no one would have known. Except me. And there was enough progress made in those first days of recovery that I came to understand that I was slowly killing my soul when I lied to myself.
And the story goes on with me trying and failing repeatedly. Again, you can read all about it in writings on the website. Long story short, it took a long time and a lot of emotional pain to finally surrender my “right” to always do things my way. And that’s why the first “suggestion” is about admitting that you don’t like being wrong and because of that have had problems. And by the way, the word suggestion is used in the writings because I never liked being told what to do. But if you suggested something to me, I got to make the choice. Seems like defiance is a commonality among people who find out that life isn’t working out the way they had planned. And that’s what is needed to begin, the power of choice and the daily decision of commitment. It’s still to this day the source of my power.
I’ve done the meetings, done the church, and currently don’t do either. But during that time I did learn some stuff that turned my life around. Checking my motives. Being totally honest. Looking for similarities instead of differences. Not taking others action (or inactions) personally, not making assumptions, having a “both/and” worldview and always striving to be better today than I was yesterday. Learning. So there’s a summary of what’s needed to turn your life around. It’s pretty simple but sure isn’t easy.
And the use of some of phrases and words that are found in recovery are used in these writings to help someone connect the dots. Tie those wires together. The audience that this is intended for are people who will not go to a 12 Step meeting. Its also intended for people that are in a recovery program that are struggling with the spiritual aspect or maybe even those in church that have some unanswered questions. Lastly, its written for those of us who’ve done the 12 Steps and what to swim in some deeper water. Maybe you could call this the “12 after the 12”. Or not. The point is that a person cannot be comfortable with themselves without their own approval. Our behaviors towards others is just mirror of our behavior towards ourselves or as Rick Warren has said, “Hurt people hurt people.” When you do these Steps, you will respect yourself enough that you will no longer want to harm yourself or anyone else.
So, because of working the 12 Steps and being a disciple of Jesus Christ, no longer do I hate myself like I did for most of my life. Ideas are not as firmly embedded into my mind so I can see myself and the world in a much more kinder way. I look for similarities instead of differences and very rarely do I resist emotions or ideas. What I’m getting at is that I am comfortable in my own skin. Because of all this I am grateful most of the time. Really. Despite some days being difficult, when I can just be present in the moment without any assumptions, attachments or aversions, I can recognize the lessons that life gives. And for me the perspective that life is not all about me may be the most important one that been experienced so far.
Through all this I’ve discovered that the meaning of life is to find your gift. The work of your life is to develop that gift and the meaning of life is found when sharing that gift with others. What follows are the written examples of what I can best discern as my “gift”. It’s the perpetual spiritual awakening that’s provided by applying a few simple steps. Living life with these principles and making an effort to not be so self-absorbed. Yes, it’s work but a priceless reward is received when sharing freely what has been given to me.
And if you want to be improve the quality of your life, you can too. Because if a guy like me who can fuck up his whole life and then turn things around, you can too. Not saying you are going to experience perfection but I am promising that you will be different.
Sure, I’m still selfish. So, the ideas shared were written a lot of the time with the word “we” used- so it wasn’t always about “me”. “We” is in reference to the collective unity of the souls who have found a spiritual solution. There’s an inner “knowing” among myself and others who have had an “awakening” that we are all unified in some mysterious way. Words really don’t do it justice but I’ve tried to convey it enough that you’ll be inspired to pursue this mystery for yourself. And obviously, I can’t speak for anyone other than myself. You are going to have be motivate enough on your own to pursue this. To know this.
And I still have insecurities, though they are diminishing. Friends that have done this a lot longer than I say that there will always be something there. Ego doesn’t ever really go away but we can recognize it for what it is and respond in a different way. That’s the benefit of checking motives. Self-love is all well and good, but often self-awareness will provide more benefits.
As I’ve written this out, the intension has always been to share what’s changed my life and the lives of literally millions of people. Seriously. The 12 Steps have been applied to over 300 different scenarios that cause suffering. It’s a process that does work but so many people often dismiss it because there’s people in the programs of recovery that are still healing. Still over compensating for their insecurities with bravado. Souls that are still searching and have found enough that they want to share it but it comes off as self-righteousness. Typically, its once again just that thing called ego that’s in all of us. Hopefully I have kept mine in check enough to provide an alternative for someone who doesn’t want to go to meetings.
By recognizing the ego in others and then realizing that its with me too (its always easier to see it others than myself), I know that pride has always hurt me. And humility has helped me. Honesty is the bridge that connects these two positions- the principle of the first Step. That will lead a person to having some hope that there can be sustainable improvements in the quality of life they experience and becoming willing to get into action and do things that are difficult.
And I really dislike to use the words “found myself” because its often misunderstood an used in strange contexts. Therefore, the words “True Self” were chosen to be used in the collection of writings. “Authentic Self” gets used too, as to not go too over board with that description. It’s probably a misunderstood phrase also but as you begin reading, think of it as just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself. A good life is when you assume nothing other than God is love and on your side, so you do more, need less, smile often, dream big, learn, laugh a lot, and realize throughout each day how blessed you really are. That’s what success looks like to me. Not totally there yet, but by doing what these writings suggest I’ve had more that just a few of those days.
Lastly, I now know without a doubt that the source of addiction is spiritual deficiency. Irrespective of whether we are religious or atheist, all human beings are spiritual by nature and spirituality is the cornerstone of each person’s recovery. That’s why the word God is used. Now you can use any word that you choose to describe the indescribable mystery we all share. And I don’t see Christianity as replacing any other spiritual belief; its just adds to them all. God is love and you were made to live in relationship with God. And if you think you can be joyful without getting to know him and yourself better, you’re just fooling yourself. (maybe you use different words to describe this, but it this is the essential truth of all spirituality.)
Happiness is found in getting to know yourself and God a little bit better every day. Recognize how much God loves you and you will learn to love yourself more like he loves you. That’s why we use the Bible here as the primary source of wisdom. But make no mistake, the Bible is a guide book not a rule book. It’s for instruction. All sixty-six books add up to teaching us that we mess up and God still loves us. Anything else becomes legalism with is way too close to the institution of religion for me.
For most of my life I focused way too much on Christians instead of the Christ. Men instead of the Messiah. That was foolish because they are just as human as I am and can be just as foolish. So, it was easy to reject the paradigm of mercy and forgiveness. “Religion is for the weak” was said by me when the topic came up, but it wasn’t until I realized that I needed a savior that I sought one out. So, I believe that my premise was somewhat correct. Had to be weak to find my inner strength. To realize that God isn’t some theoretical entity out in the cosmos. God is within us all. We just don’t humble ourselves enough to recognize this. Life has to descend to a point were we no longer defend. It’s either with great suffering or great love that we come to this moment of surrendering what no longer serves to protect or to promote our personal agendas. Who and what we think we are dies and a new life begins. You are born again and joined into the body of Christ. (You can recognize it and name it what you choose. Its an awakening, and awareness, that we all are connected in a pure way.)
Yes, the same Spirit that lives in Jesus Christ does live within you and with me! That’s what this collection of writings is all about; actualizing that Spirit. Reducing the ego enough so your True Self can live and your life can be a reflection of Goodness and Greatness. Not saying you will become a god, saying that you can be a conduit for the Spirit of God and you can become an agent of change. Every single person who has done anything worthy of positive commentary has done this in their own unique way regardless if they know it or not. It’s happening in my life and lives of many more. It can and will happen for you too- if you seriously seek it. Not saying that is is the only way for it to happen- it’s just best way I have found, and I want to share this process the best way I know how.
Because someone helped me…