Month: January 2017

Freedom To Have a New Life

A Attitude of Gratitude is an alternative life recovery program for those who consider traditional 12 Step groups not to be a good fit at this time. What we offer is an established method that empowers a person to have the freedom needed to have a new life that’s filled with meaning and purpose.

A Attitude of Gratitude is a recovery community with an emphasis on inspiring, encouraging and equipping all involved to be more like the people that we were created to be. We do not proclaim to have the answers to all of life’s questions. This program simply provides a proven process that allows a person to find a spiritual solution to their suffering. How that’s accomplished is by an introductory and complimentary approach to the contemporary 12 Step program.

A Attitude of Gratitude is a free program. There is no requirement to believe or not believe in anything to be involved. The only necessity to participate is a desire for your life to better than it is today.

A core belief here is that God can never be figured out intellectually because faith is not what we think, but what we do. That without living what we say we believe, what we say we believe is irrelevant. So therefore, some of the propositions that this fellowship is founded upon are:

Honesty is needed if there is to be any chance of humility. Humility is the foundation of all real change.
If we take a position of being a student, lessons are available to us everywhere.
Our faith must make good common sense before it makes anything else.
Personal investigation and contemplation must occur if a person is to experience a renewed life.
Embrace differences and seek similarities with others.
Take nothing personally. What other people do, and do not do, is not about us.
Make no assumptions. Unrealistic expectations are resentments waiting to happen.
We do not blame people, places or things for our difficulties. We always strive to do our best.
Once we do what is needed to remove what is blocking us from our potential we can see ourselves as we are; in unity with each other and God’s presence.
Truth is eternal, however our knowledge of it is changeable.
The purpose of life is to have a spiritual awakening. Contemplation is a positive choosing of the deep, shining, and enduring divine mysteries that are hidden beneath the too-easy formulas. There is a spiritual solution to all suffering.
If a person follows their bliss, the life that they ought to be living is the one that they are living. Therefore by living authentically, each of us will inspire others to be free to discover their own voice too.

We realize we know only a little and that God will constantly disclose more to us who seek an intimate relationship.

How is that done? By abandoning yourself to God as you understand God; admitting your faults to Him and to a trusted friend; making amends for the wreckage of your past and then giving freely what has been freely given to you. Do this my friend and you will know freedom.

What is a High-Functioning Alcoholic?

Many think that an alcoholic is someone who as lost everything. Although that does tragically happen, that is not always the case. In fact, many alcoholics continue on with their self-abusive lifestyle because they still have a marriage, a career, a house, or something that can convince them that they are still fine.

Just because someone is able to function at work despite their dependence on alcohol does not mean that they are immune to its effects I had the best job in my life when I entered into AA. My motivation was no to stop but to learn how to control my drinking. I knew that if I could go back to just partying on the weekends instead of getting wasted every night, I would be happy again. I just wanted to stop being miserable. Problem was, if I was not drinking I was wretchedly unhappy. I thought I was damned if I continued and damned if I stopped. Little did I know that the gates of hell are locked from the inside. All I had to do was admit to myself that despite my outward success, I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. I was a high functioning alcoholic.

Here are a few signs that could indicate someone is a high-functioning alcoholic:

They need alcohol to feel confident: Often high-functioning alcoholics feel “locked in” to their drinking because they worry that when the alcohol stops, so will their success. Of course other drugs can be involved too.

They joke that they have an alcohol problem: They don’t take their alcohol dependence seriously or believe that they still have complete control over it. I used to say that getting high was my hobby.

They don’t seem to get hangovers anymore: Developing a tolerance for alcohol can, in turn, convince them that their drinking is not a problem because they are not feeling its effects.

They drink alone: Drinking is not a social activity for them; it is a solitary pastime. I used to prefer to drink at home alone so no one ever see me get mean and ugly when I drank too much.

They replace meals with alcohol: Mealtimes are often an excuse for the high-functioning alcoholic to start drinking. They may even forego the meal altogether because food will absorb the booze and diminish the high.

They become a different person when they drink: Social drinkers do not dramatically change their personality when they drink. Alcoholics, however, behave quite differently.

They become hostile or argumentative when they can’t drink: Alcoholics often suffer withdrawal symptoms if they are forced to stay sober or are cut off from their alcohol supply.

They can’t stop at one drink: They have trouble letting alcohol “go to waste” and may finish friends’ drinks for them. They have trouble setting a limit on their drinking. If a person cannot stop drinking without becoming uncomfortable, they are very likely an alcoholic.

They hide their alcohol: They keep their alcohol stashed in a secret location where their friends and family won’t find it, like in their desk or car. Hiding it or not, they do always make sure that they have enough on hand to make sure that they do not run out.

They deny that they have been drinking when asked: They do what they can to to hide the fact that they have been drinking or try to minimize how many they have had.

Do you recognize any of these warning signs in yourself or a loved one? If so, please reach out for help. It’s not too late.

Our Journey Home

If you have read any of our blog posts, you should realize that A Attitude of Gratitude endorses the 12 Steps of Recovery. If you are not family with what that is, a twelve-step program is a set of guiding principles outlining a course of action for recovery from addiction, compulsion, or other behavioral problems. Originally proposed by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) as a method of recovery from alcoholism, the Twelve Steps were first published in the 1939 book Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How More Than One Hundred Men Have Recovered from Alcoholism. The method was adapted and became the foundation of other twelve-step programs.

When Bill Smith and Dr. Bob Watson founded Alcoholics Anonymous in the 1930’s, it was based on principles developed from The Oxford Group combined with Bill and Dr. Bob’s understanding of Scripture. Their Twelve Steps all had a Biblical foundation which, when applied, started men on the road to recovery from their addictions. Since then AA has spread internationally and helped countless people with their addictions.

David Zailer has taken the Twelve Steps and developed a Christ-centered application of these principles in the book, “Our Journey Home – Insights & Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery”.

In this book, each Step is presented and then a collection of short articles are written to understand and apply that Step to the addict’s life. What I really appreciated was that the earlier articles under each Step would help the addict to see him or herself in the Step, the next articles would present the fact that there was hope and the ability to change, and the final articles under the Step would present Christ as the One who the addict could turn to for the needed changes in his or her life. I think the title of the book, “Our Journey Home”, is appropriate because the material presented in it truly is a way home to God and a way to have a satisfying relationship with Him resulting in a fulfilling and sober life.

I am also impressed by the fact that I believe David’s book could apply not only to addictions, but to any area in life where I am not living the way that I desire to be. As I apply each Step to my life and read the articles, I find that I understand myself better, and I’m encouraged by knowing that there is hope and that by following these simple Steps, I do have the ability to change.

A Attitude of Gratitude has found this book to be a valuable resource and we believe you will too. We highly recommend it. So much so that (While supplies last) we are giving away a copy to everyone who becomes a contributing member of A Attitude of Gratitude. For more information please visit our Giving Page.

About David Zailer

An original Operation Integrity participant, David administrates the day to day operations of OI. He writes devotions for Operation Integrity Daily and contributes to a wide range of addiction recovery efforts. He has written two Christ centered books on 12-Step addiction recovery, but he is best known for his work as a speaker and counselor. David lives in Laguna Niguel, California where he is active in his community and his church.

Everyone Has Faith In Something

If you are struggling with faith in God, in yourself, or both, don’t think that you are the only one. Faith is just a confident belief, and not everyone is confident in these areas. However, everyone has faith in something.

“He travels with whoever looks for Him, and having taken the seeker by the hand, He arouses him to go in search of himself.“ – Al-Ansari

Below are some of the beliefs we all have to some degree, at some time in life. Many of these we were pretty confident of, but over time we learned that we were mistaken. If you continue pursuing this journey of discovery, you may find that you have a misunderstanding too:

Nobody really cares about me. I’m all alone and my life doesn’t matter. I can’t trust anyone
I’m bad because of the mistakes I have made. I am disgusting
I’m not good enough. I’m stupid. I’m worthless. I’m boring. I’m hopeless
I’m better than all of you. I’m right and you’re wrong
Nobody that I value really wants to spend any time with me

Sadly, these kinds of ideas can be a result of the negative messages, said and unsaid, that were repeated many times to us by our parents or other significant people throughout our lives. It’s a fact that what the people who are important to us think about us, affects much more than we will ever know at the time. If they are criticizing or condemning us in harmful ways, it will enslave us to a belief that we are defective. Thinking that we are less than others. Less than who we really are. And it’s thoughts like these that separate us from others and inhibit us from having happiness in our relationships. In our life.

God, as best a human can understand him, is love. Unconditional love. When you take a moment to contemplate that there is a creator of all that is around you, a creator of you, and that source of life is love, hopefully you can realize that you are not a defective creation -because God does not make junk.

My father told me a joke. I laughed so hard that I was in tears. He told the same joke again and I laughed, but not a belly laugh like before. He kept repeating the same joke over the years and it went from a chuckle to nothing. That day I looked at my dad with a look of bewilderment. He caught what was going on and he said, ”If you can’t laugh at the same joke over and over again, why do you keep crying over the people who have hurt you over and over again?”

As wise as my father was, he didn’t know that I was the one who was hurting myself repeatedly. Or maybe he did and we just couldn’t talk openly about it. Not really sure because it’s so personal but I can say that once I got past some of my misunderstanding about my paternal father, I also got past some of the misconceptions about my Spiritual Father. And then I was able to forgive not just those that had hurt me but I was able to forgive myself for the harms that I had done. But it took me being courageous enough to really look within and do a personal inventory to see both my assets and my liabilities. That bravery could only come from knowing that God was with me and cares about me. Probably more than I care about myself.

When You Act On Faith

It is only when you act on faith that you actually have it.

For better or worse, every struggle and every success in your past has shaped you into the person you are today. And despite all the positive aspects of character we each possess, most of us still have one or more challenging inner belief that surfaces repeatedly over the course of our lives. It is what harms us by blocking us from our potential and in the recovery world it is called a character defected.

Simply put if it hurts a relationship, it is a defective part of our character and whether we know it or not, these ideas have hurt us personally too. And for some of us, it was much more than we initially realized. After careful consideration, we recognized that these faulty beliefs are many times rooted in deep, unexpressed fears. These are insecurities that drive us subconsciously or they stop us dead in our tracks. In other words, we have attachments and aversions.

Depending on a person’s perspective during their difficulties, these beliefs either cause all sorts of problems, or they present great opportunities for personal growth. In other words, fear is what blocks and faith is what offers freedom. Ask yourself if you have faith that your life can be better. If so, how do your actions demonstrate that? Don’t try and bullshit (which is not lying but trying to make yourself look good). Would anyone close to you acknowledge that your actions show that you striving for new beginnings? I ask this because it is only when you act on faith that you actually have it. Anything less is really a lack of connection or concern for the truth and an indifference to how things really are. It’s bullshit.

If this post makes you unsettled or even angry, good. Because a bad day for your ego is always a great day for your soul.

When Lost Men Come Home

A Attitude of Gratitude appreciates the opportunity to work with David Zailer, the Executive Director of Operation Integrity and author of two books on addiction recovery and other spiritual and inspirational topics. We recognize David’s wisdom, especially when it comes to the all too often overlooked addiction to sex. You can see for yourself if you subscribe to be a benefactor of A Attitude of Gratitude as we will give you a copy for you to read.

This book is extremely helpful when keeping promises no longer cut it, when “being in the Word “leaves you cold. It’s a book to read when your prayers for healing are met with dead silence and when you begin to wonder, “Is there hope for me?”

Sex and romance addictions have now been labeled by many counselors and clinicians as, “The Christian’s new drug of choice.” Perhaps it because this one that involves secrecy from the seemingly innocent beginnings.

Maybe it is because the institution of the Church has lulled herself into a false sense of well-being while half of all congregations surveyed admit to suffering with addictions and compulsions beyond their control but we probably should not to be too surprised. The polls, surveys and the media reports daily reveal the explosive growth of porn addiction, serial seduction and the lure of the chat rooms among men and of course that includes men who profess a Christian world-view.

The hopeful news is that there is a movement of Christian men who are now finding relief from the compulsions and deep healing for the soul. For them, the journey out of deep addiction is found in a Christ-centered application of the powerful 12 steps, developed and popularized by the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. To this program, Dave Zailer has created a new, unique handbook for the journey, marrying the biblical context to the proven spiritual 12 Step Programs.

While it may be conversational in tone to some, the reader is invited to look over his shoulder as he writes what he has personally practiced, experienced and learned. Traveling through the pages as a journaling experience, or in a group setting (which David recommends) enlightenment and transformation begins for all who earnestly apply themselves to the proven 12 Step Process.

Anyone who reads When Lost Men Come Home will recognize that the abundant grace David promises has been experienced him, yet not without considerable pain and darkness. Zailer’s life experiences, the childhood abuse, the secrets of a Baptist leader’s home, drug addiction, and porn production, all preceded the radical process of redemption in his life.

These are testimonies to the power released when the Christ-centered 12 Step journey is diligently embraced, day-by-day, in the anonymous company of other recovering men. Dave’s story and the stories of men who have discovered When Lost Men Come Home reveals a genuine hope that is available for all men who actively surrender to a God “who can do for them what they cannot do for themselves.”

If you’d like a free copy of David Zailer’s book, When Lost Men Come Home please visit our Giving Page and check out your options.

About David Zailer

Triggers

What triggers you?

In place of an annual New Year’s Resolution, I want to suggest that you try simply stopping the behavior you’re most sick of within yourself for just one week.

No matter what, don’t do it.

Go ahead and feel free to embrace it for all its joyous, horrible worth on day 8.

But for 7 days-

Just Don’t Do It.

Pay attention to how you feel when you’re denied that favorite hated behavior. More importantly, note what you were feeling or thinking about right before you were about to (eat junk, gossip, masturbate, pick a fight, hoard, shop, character assassinate, etc.) and journal or log it.

What are your triggers? And are they external or internal?

Stand still and observe the people in your life who are there because you swap mental hand jobs, are “worse than you” to provide cover for your own ugliness, or make you vaguely uneasy because they seem to walk a talk that you’re afraid to strive for.

You’ll be amazed and empowered at what you’ll find.

– Neil Lepley

Enjoy

As difficult as it may be today, do your best to enjoy each moment like a little kid. But please remember that there is a difference between being child-like and being childish.

“For me, life is better because my soul has been able to wake up from the hypnotized mind and shed off the human conditioning. Seeing the truth behind the lies I had bought into. To see beyond the personal identity that I have put on myself. the self-centered worldview. To see that the core of who we really are is love. Giving and receiving love even when it is inconvenient.

All that blocks it from happening is the fear that I am unacceptable. That you are unworthy of love too. So I let these childish thoughts go. And when that happens it’s the essence of what I understand as peace. It is about receiving and being present to the moment, to the now, without judgment, analysis, or critique, without my ego deciding whether I like it or not.

So now I really don’t take these thoughts about myself so seriously. But when they come forward it is just an indication of something that I don’t fully understand- yet.

And then I let it go and just enjoy the moment.

I take in all that the situation, the moment, the event offers, without judging, eliminating, or labeling anything up or down, good or bad. It’s slowly becoming a pure and positive gaze, unattached to outcome. It is being present to all around me and the result is like seeing the world with a new pair of glasses.”

Both Eastern and Western spiritual traditions hint at a permanent, irreversible shift at the core of selfhood and in the perception that flows out from this new identity. The former sense of self dissolves, and in its place there arises a capacity to live a flowing, unboundaried life in which the person becomes “oned” with God and oned with one’s neighbor. This is likely what Jesus Christ was referring to when asked. “What is the greatest commandment of God?”

He said, “Teacher, which command in the law is the most important?”

Jesus answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and most important command. And the second command is like the first: ‘Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself.’ All of the law and the writings of the prophets take their meaning from these two commands.”

Once there is a shift from seeking God to seeing God, all of the difficult instructions in the bible no longer are a challenge. They become just what you do: because you want to do them. What you want and what God desires are the same.

Try to remember what it was like growing up and the times that you had your times of rebellion. Eventually you learned by experience that what your parents wanted you to do was really in your best interest. You do them now willingly. Well, maybe not always. If that’s you remember that its been a process of learning. If you still are struggling, make a choice to let go of what is causing the resistance to enjoying each moment by just pausing and focusing on what is happening now. Like a child. Children don’t concern themselves about the past or worry about the future. They just enjoy.

Truth

Have you ever flown in an airplane during a storm and the pilot increases the altitude above the clouds? You get up higher than the clouds and you see that it’s calm blue skies around you. And you feel the turbulence go away. The calm blue skies have always been there, you just needed to rise above.

Now this may be an over obvious analogy, but please pause and contemplate this. Peace is always available. It’s just been blocked by thoughts and feelings. No where’s something that many not be so obvious; you can’t force the thoughts and feelings away. Not really. It took time to get where you are at. And you certainly didn’t try to think this way.

Sure, a person can focus on some “positive thoughts” but eventually the mind comes back to what is still there. And feelings of regret, remorse, frustration, feelings of being unacceptable all coincide with these kinds of thoughts too. And you try to mask these too. But at best it’s temporary.

So, if most people do not like being wrong, its only logical that the majority also prefer being right. Therefore, many don’t want to ever have their beliefs challenged. Certainly, this was the case for me. But once it was explained that beliefs are just ideas, I didn’t hang on to them so tightly. I was less likely to be offended when new concepts where presented, especially those that contradicted with what we would rather agree with.

Plain and simple; I had to be open minded if there was to be any real hope for any actual change. For it is so very true that anything that does not challenge you will not change you. And since what you are embarking on now is a spiritual path, that means any ideas you may have about God needs to be tested. Simply put, the only difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do.

Thoughts influence actions, and the results of the actions will affect the way you feel. If you feel good, you will think in a more positive manner. You will act in a positive manner. See the circle? Of course, it works in the opposite direction too. Feel bad, think badly, act poorly. It’s the thinking that’s right in the middle of all this. But thoughts have little to no value if actions are not included.

Pick a fight with what you think you believe in, because you will never know if its True unless you challenge it. Once you do, no one can threaten it. Until you do, everything will…

You see truth is quite simple, so simple that even a child can understand it. In fact, so simple that really only a child can understand it. Unless you choose to become a child, with a teachable mind and an open heart, willing to do things not yet experienced, you will not be able to understand it.

Please don’t take yourself or your ideas so seriously. Play with your beliefs because truth is an experience, not speculation. That’s what worked for me. So well, I would say that Truth is my savior.

Prayer In Recovery

Some people have a problem with prayer in recovery, especially those who are struggling with the whole God concept.

I have heard many who dislike it because there is too much God and some declare that there is not enough. Frankly, I have been on both sides of this fence but am now neutral on the subject. The 12 Step program has been around for a long time and has changed not just my life, but lives of millions of people. Therefore, I have concluded that it works very well as it is. Can it be better? Perhaps. I think Pablo Picasso said it well: “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.” And are we all not really artists creating our own life, in our own way, the best we can? Maybe. If that’s true, we should be trying to create the best recovery experience we can have. Right?

If you want to add or subtract something that’s in the process of self-discovery called the 12 Steps, you probably should know pretty well what you are going to try and modify. But being addicts, we are inclined to go for the fast track and get gratification as quickly as possible. Therefore, too help you in your quest for a quick fix, here are the references to prayer in Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book so you can see that this is a prevalent topic.

Look at this as a detective who is trying to find some clues on what the motive of the perpetrator could have possibly been. Certainly, to get that answer for ourselves about recovery we don’t have to guess, you can just read what the 12th Step is: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Yep, this process is ultimately about becoming conscious of ourselves and our relationships. And apparently to the founders of modern recovery, prayer is an important part of being able to do that. Here is what co-founder of AA, Bill Wilson, wrote in his sequel to the Big Book, The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions: “A.A.’s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.”

I would like to add in a quote from Mother Teresa: “I used to believe prayer changes things, but now I know prayer changes us and we change things.” Now here is what AA’s Big Book says about prayer:

“I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through, and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray.” William D. Silkworth, MD – (“The Doctor’s Opinion”- Preface to Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book)

“God is everything or he is nothing. God either is or he isn’t. What was our choice to be?” Pg. 53. Pg. 59 “We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.”

And Here Is How Prayer Applies To The Steps:

Third Step

Pg. 63: God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!”

Pg. 67 – Resentment: “We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.”

Pg. 68 – Fear: “We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.”

Pg. 69 – Sex: “We asked God to mold our ideals and help us live up to them.”

Pg. 69 – Sex: “In meditation, we ask God what we do about each specific matter.”

Pg. 70 – Sex: “To sum up about sex: We pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity and for strength to do the right thing.”

Fifth Step

Pg. 75: “We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better.”

Pg. 75: “We ask if we have omitted anything”

Sixth Step

Pg. 76: “If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.”

Seventh Step

Pg. 76: “My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. Amen”

Eighth Step

Pg. 76: “If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes.”

Ninth Step

Pg. 79 – Legal Matters: “We ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences might be.”

Pg. 80 – Others Affected: “If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, asked God to help.”

Pg. 82 – Infidelity: “Each might pray about it, having the other one’s happiness uppermost in mind.”

Pg. 83 – Family: “So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.”

Tenth Step

Pg. 84: “Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them.”

Pg. 85: “Everyday is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all our activities. “How can I best serve Thee – Thy will (not mine) be done.”

Eleventh Step

Pg. 86 – Night: “After mediation on the day just completed, We ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.”

Pg. 86 – Morning: “Before we begin our day, we ask god to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.”

Pg. 86 – Morning: “In thinking about our day, We ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or decision.”

Pg. 87 – Morning: “We usually conclude the period of mediation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We especially ask for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.”

Pg. 87-88 – All Day: “As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.”

Twelfth Step

Pg. 164: “Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come IF your own house is in order.”

Regardless of what you do or don’t like about prayer, it is an integral part of the 12 Step program. So much so, I would have to conclude that connection with God has been a critical ingredient in transforming my life. I really don’t believe that my life would have changed as dramatically as it has without it. Of course you get to decide if it does or does not work for you but I would like to ask you to approach it as mentioned above before dismissing it. Its worked for billions of people, so odds are in your favor that it will work for you too.